You love each other. But not at 3 a.m. when he’s stealing your blankets. Or maybe not at 6 a.m. when her alarm goes off to go for a jog. You don’t want a real divorce. But you might want a sleep divorce.
Actress and one of the original unofficial spokespeople for prioritizing health, Cameron Diaz, said in a December 2024 podcast of “Lipstick on the Rim,” hosted by Molly Sims and Emese Gormley, this is more than okay (1).
“We should normalize separate bedrooms,” Diaz said, amidst a conversation about her “wonderful” husband Benji Madden. They’ve been married for eight years.
“To me, I would literally… I have my house, you have yours. We have the family house in the middle. I will go and sleep in my room. You go sleep in your room. I’m fine,” she added. “And we have the bedroom in the middle that we can convene in for our relations.”
Diaz is speaking the truth for 1 in 3 bedroom partners who are already trying and loving sleep divorces, according to a July survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. The survey which reached 2,000 adults asked what participants do to adjust their sleep routine to accommodate a bed partner, revealing a long list of accommodations from ear plugs to masks to silent alarms. But for some, splitting up for a restful night’s sleep might help everyone bring a fresh attitude and perspective to their relationship in the daytime, not resentment and exhaustion.
It’s not a new concept — in 2007, researchers concluded that “sleeping apart is not necessarily an indicator of an unhappy or unhealthy relationship (2).” They also concluded that comfortable sleep environments for one bed partner might not be the same as it is for the other (as every partner who changes that thermostat at 3 a.m. when they are freezing or sweating can attest to).
So, while different houses with different temperatures might not be feasible, different beds, whether in the same room or separate, might just solve some of those sleep woes and have everyone waking up a little brighter and cheerier.
But, for those not ready to make the “big split”, here are a few band-aid tips in the meantime:
- Try silent alarms that use wearables like smartwatches to wake you up so you don’t disturb your partner and vice versa.
- Use a fan beside your bed if you run hot but your partner doesn’t rather than changing the thermostat.
- Consider having a partner get ready in a different room if you are still sleeping when they need to leave.
- Use eye masks, ear plugs, and sound machines safely to drown out extra noises or lights your partner might make or prefer.
- Work with your partner for both of you to address underlying issues that might cause snoring or other sleep conditions, such as obstructive sleep apnea.
Finally, don’t be ashamed if a sleep divorce is best for you both. If it’s good enough for Diaz, it’s good enough for us mere mortals.
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Sources
1. Gormley, Emese; Sims, Molly, “Cameron Diaz and Katherine Power Love a Glass of Wine – How the Duo Stays Health Conscious with Alcohol and Beyond, Getting Around the Word ’No,’ and the Ultimate Tan Trick,” Lipstick Rim podcast; https://art19.com/shows/lipstick-on-the-rim/episodes/68f50ede-bbcd-4795-81ff-aecc603126d0; December 19, 2024.
2. Troxel WM, Robles TF, Hall M, Buysse DJ. Marital quality and the marital bed: examining the covariation between relationship quality and sleep. Sleep Med Rev. 2007 Oct;11(5):389-404. doi: 10.1016/j.smrv.2007.05.002. PMID: 17854738; PMCID: PMC2644899.