With love, patience, and time, every relationship turns into a beautiful dance. Day in and day out, life ebbs and flows, but you match your partner step by step. Take morning routines, for example; most couples wake at the same time; they go through the motions of their morning routine in a shared bathroom and maybe even leave the house at the same time. At the end of the day, said couple returns home to do the evening dance of dinner and bedtime routines.
As part of this year's 25 Days of Giving campaign (check this page for daily giveaways every day through Christmas!), Sleepopolis is taking a closer look at how to share a bed (and a bedroom): whether it's with your partner, pet, sibling, or you're sharing a bedroom due to downsizing, or you don't have a spare room. In the spirit of the holidays and 25 Days of Giving, we're putting a spotlight on sharing.
Record scratch…
But what happens when different schedules push all of the above out of whack? You go to sleep when your partner wakes up to start their day. Or, you like to turn in around 9 p.m. while your beloved prefers to burn the midnight oil.
Beyond that out-of-sync feeling, you might find that your opposing schedules and conflicting sleep preferences are wreaking a little havoc on your sleep, ultimately diminishing its quantity and quality night after night. Dr. Carolina Estevez, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Crestone Wellness, tells Sleepopolis, “When couples share a bedroom with different sleep schedules, one partner’s movements, noise, or light usage can disrupt the other’s ability to fall or stay asleep. This often results in sleep deprivation, increased irritability, and difficulty concentrating during the day. Over time, these disturbances may strain the relationship due to frustration over the lack of restful sleep.
Yes, sharing a bedroom when you’re on different schedules can be challenging, but it’s not impossible — it just requires a little thoughtful planning and a lot of communication. Ahead, our experts outline some strategies for couples navigating different routines while prioritizing restful sleep.
Create a Sleep-Friendly Environment
To minimize disturbances, Maristella Luccini, sleep consultant and senior clinical researcher at the Nanit Lab, suggests creating a sleep-friendly environment that supports both individuals, regardless of their schedules. This may include:
- Nightlights with adjustable intensity on your nightstands (this allows minimal illumination if one partner needs to get out of bed while the other sleeps).
- Sleep masks to help block light for the partner who stays in bed
- Noise-canceling devices, such as colored noise machines or earplugs, to drown out sounds from alarms or movement.
- Wrist-worn devices with vibration alarms can also help reduce unnecessary loud noises.
Be Mindful of Movement
If one partner goes to bed later or wakes up earlier, their movements can be disruptive. In that case, Luccini suggests opting for “a bed with good motion isolation, such as a memory foam or hybrid mattress, to reduce that transfer of movement.”
And if a new mattress isn’t in the cards, Luccini suggests the Scandinavian Sleep Method as a more budget-friendly option. And this isn’t complicated, folks. Each partner uses their own blanket (think: two twin blankets instead of one queen). Even if you’re sharing a bed, separate blankets can go a long way toward minimizing those disturbances.
Respect Each Other’s Needs
If one partner tends to stay up late, Luccini suggests “moving a separate room for activities like reading, working, or watching TV, especially if it involves bright light or noise.” By creating this separation, the bedroom remains a “sleep sanctuary” for the other half, and everyone gets what they need — without the guilt and resentment.
Establish Quiet Hours
If moving activities to another room isn’t doable, you might try establishing quiet hours in your bedroom. Essentially, this involves agreeing on a hard time for powering devices down (or the volume at the very least), so the bedroom accommodates the needs of both partners. Ideally, the same limits should apply in the morning when one partner wakes up earlier than the other.
Sync Up When Possible
Many couples enjoy sleeping together because it fosters a sense of connection, but when your opposing sleep schedules make it feel like you’re two ships passing in the night, that connection can feel a little strained.
To counter this, Luccini says, “Couples can create opportunities for intimacy with a little creative thinking. This could look like sharing wind-down activities — such as chatting, reading together, or relaxing before one partner goes to bed.” And if evenings aren’t ideal, Luccini suggests sharing “morning cuddles or enjoying a nice breakfast together to strengthen your bond.”
Communicate and Stay Flexible
“Sleep deprivation can make us irritable, and it’s easy to blame one another for a bad night’s sleep, so open communication is crucial,” says Luccini. “Instead of pointing fingers and assuming your partner knows what you need, she says couples have to find a way to” openly discuss any challenges they’re facing and brainstorm solutions together.” Ultimately, she says, “Flexibility and understanding will help you both adjust and find a sleep routine that works.”
Prep the Night Before
There’s probably nothing more aggravating than outfit changes when you’re trying to sleep. So, the partner who wakes early should consider prepping their clothes (and whatever else they need that could potentially disturb their mate) the night before. This might include picking an outfit, moving it to the bathroom or another room in the house, and getting dressed there in the morning, minimizing light and noise for your other half.
Consider Separate Sleeping Arrangements
Christopher Allen, a Board-Certified Sleep Medicine Physician, Pediatric Neurologist, and Sleep Science Advisor for Aeroflow Sleep, reminds us, “A ‘sleep divorce’ doesn’t mean relationship trouble. It’s more like a strategic choice for couples with different schedules or sleep environment preferences.” And Allen adds it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. While some couples may opt for different rooms at night, others might find that a modified sleep divorce (separate beds in the same room) is more than enough.
“The key here is finding a solution that allows each partner to maintain their routine without disturbing the other,” says Allen. “With a few adjustments and clear communication, couples can enjoy a shared bedroom while accommodating different schedules. Prioritizing sleep quality and respecting each other’s needs is key to making it work.”
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Sources
1. Allen, Christopher. Author Interview. October 25, 2024.
2. Estevez. Carolina. Author Interview. October 23, 2024.
3. Luccini, Maristella. Author Interview. October 24, 2024.
