Relationships of any kind will always require compromise — the good ones, at least. And there’s probably no greater subject of compromise like bed-sharing. You like it cold — your partner likes it cozy. You like to sleep without being clotheslined at 2 a.m. — your 3-year-old has other plans. You like waking up peacefully to sunrise and birds chirping outside your window — the sound of your dog vomiting on your pile of decorative pillows yeets you out of bed in 3 seconds flat.
As part of this year's 25 Days of Giving campaign (check this page for daily giveaways every day through Christmas!), Sleepopolis is taking a closer look at how to share a bed (and a bedroom): whether it's with your partner, pet, sibling, or you're sharing a bedroom due to downsizing, or you don't have a spare room. In the spirit of the holidays and 25 Days of Giving, we're putting a spotlight on sharing.
Sure, booting everyone out and sleeping solo may be one way to handle all of the above, but you love them — you know you do. Life without them wouldn’t be nearly as fun, so for most of us, our crew is in our bed for better or for worse. To that, Dr. Michael Gradisar, PhD and Head of Sleep Science at Sleep Cycle, says, “When you share a bed, sleep can take a hit.”
Gradisar adds, “Whether it’s mismatched schedules, sensitivity to movement, or different temperature preferences, sharing a bed can lead to fragmented sleep. And when your sleep suffers, so does everything else — from your workday to your weekend plans.”
Nobody wants that, right? Ahead, the experts tell us how to do it better.
Snoring
The thing about snoring is that it usually disrupts everyone but the sleeper. When one partner lies awake night after night listening to Throat Overture No. 2345, Annika Carroll, sleep expert and CEO of Sleep Like a Boss, says it not only disrupts sleep for the partner lying awake, but it could “lead to frustration and resentment” over time.
To quiet the cacophony, Carroll suggests encouraging the snoring partner to sleep on their side as this can reduce airway blockages and quiet things down. She adds, “Using a special pillow or wedge to prop the head up a bit higher may also help to improve airflow and reduce snoring.”
And if you can’t stop your partner’s snoring, you could always dampen the noise. Dr. Christopher Allen, a Board-Certified Sleep Medicine Physician, Pediatric Neurologist, and Sleep Science Advisor for Aeroflow Sleep, suggests earplugs or noise machines to mask the sound.
Allen adds that in some cases, a medical evaluation may be in order, particularly if snoring is persistent and accompanied by symptoms like daytime fatigue or gasping for breath at night. These symptoms may be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea, which can be pretty serious if left untreated. (1)
Blanket Thieves…You Know Who You Are
A common but often underestimated issue is one partner hogging the blanket. It may seem minor, but constantly waking up because you’re cold can lead to fragmented sleep.
For the blanket thieves among us, Gradisar suggests a “to each their own approach.” Otherwise known as the “Scandinavian Sleep method,” this boils down to using two separate duvets instead of sharing one. This eliminates the nightly tug of war and has the added benefit of “allowing each partner to regulate their own temperature, ultimately reducing the likelihood of disturbing each other during the night,” says Gradisar.
Different Temperature Preferences
Speaking of temperature, thermostats and overhead fans are also frequent points of contention when bed-sharing. For most of us, the best temperature for sleep is somewhere between 62-68°F. (2) However, everyone is different — some may like it a bit more frosty, while others prefer warmer sleep temperatures. And while cool sleepers can always sleep in warm PJs and load up on blankets, it may not be as easy for hot sleepers to get comfy.
To keep everyone happy, Carroll suggests the following tips to accommodate both of your needs:
- Use separate duvets so each person can have their preferred level of warmth (looks like the Scandinavian sleep method might solve a lot of problems).
- Invest in temperature-regulating bedding or a mattress that offers different levels of heating/cooling on each side (e.g., mattresses with dual temperature zones).
- Try cooling or heating pads; this allows each partner to set their bedside to their preferred temperature. Carroll notes, “Cooling pads can be beneficial for hot sleepers and during perimenopause and menopause when hot flashes and night sweats can lead to lots of discomfort and night wakings for women.”
Different Mattress Preferences
If you’re a side sleeper and your partner prefers to sleep face down, your mattress requirements will differ. Side sleepers require a medium-firm mattress with a plush top to alleviate pressure points, while stomach sleepers generally require a firm mattress that prevents sinking hips at night and aching backs in the morning. Admittedly, this one may be harder to compromise on, but all is not lost. Allen suggests a few strategic bedding upgrades to keep everyone’s forty winks on track.
- Split Mattresses: Many brands offer split mattresses where each side can be customized to fit the individual’s preference.
- Mattress Toppers: Adding a mattress topper can help adjust the firmness or softness without investing in a new bed.
Fidgety Bedmates
If your partner tosses and turns a lot or has to get up several times a night, this can be extremely disturbing, especially if you are a light sleeper. To curb the disruptions, Carroll suggests upgrading your mattress to one “designed to minimize motion transfer so your partner’s restlessness won’t affect you as much.” Hybrid mattresses and memory foam are ideal here.
Other options?
- Try a larger bed to create more personal space.
- Use separate duvets (your partner may still fidget, but you won’t notice it as much)
Different Wind-down Routines
When couples have a different bedtime routine to unwind from the day and get ready for sleep, the partner who likes to watch TV until their drowsy or scroll through their phone looking at the latest and greatest on the Gram can and will disturb the partner who prefers to read in silence or unwind with some peace and quiet. So what do you do when you don’t see eye to eye? Carroll suggests a little bit of compromise, a little divide and conquer, and some creative thinking.
First, she says, bedmates should meet in the middle and “agree on a hard time when to turn the TV off, or power down glaring phones. Ideally, that hard time should be about one hour before lights out. For the non-TV partner, Carroll suggests investing in “sleep masks and earplugs, both of which can help create a peaceful environment even when the room is noisy or bright.”
If that type of compromise doesn’t work, Carroll says bedmates might take things a step further and “Set up a separate relaxation area in another room where the TV-watching half can unwind without disturbing the other.
And for the TV watchers and doom scrollers, you should know that screen time before bed can disrupt your sleep. Blue light exposure from your devices can delay melatonin production (the sleep hormone). Not only will you find it harder to fall asleep, but you may notice some deficits in the overall quality of your sleep. (3, 4)
Uninvited Guests
While healthcare professionals in America do not typically recommend co-sleeping with your kids due to safety concerns, Gradisar tells us that “babies sleep next to their parents throughout the world and across the millennia.” Noting that co-sleeping is a common occurrence in
Asian or 3rd world countries, Gradisar explains that it’s typically ill-advised for Western families “due to the factors that increase the risk of smothering the infant in bed (e.g., higher BMI of the parent, softer mattresses, etc.).” (5)
If co-sleeping with your child feels like the right choice for you and your family, Gradisar suggests room-sharing over bed-sharing. “You can still have your infant sleeping safely next to you – just in their own crib next to the bed,” he says. IRL, this might be tantamount to a sidecar crib or bed.
Beyond separate spaces, it might be a good idea to establish a solid bedtime routine for your child. This includes wind-down time to get the sillies out and a hard time for lights out.
Furry Uninvited Guests
Pets can have a profoundly positive effect on our physical and mental health (they can decrease our levels of the stress hormone cortisol, lower our blood pressure, reduce feelings of loneliness, and improve our mood). (6) But the good stuff seems to be limited to our interactions with them.
Research shows that sleeping with pets in our beds lends to “poorer perceived sleep quality and greater insomnia severity.” (7) And not to be the bearer of bad news here, but these adverse effects on sleep were more prominent with dog ownership than cat ownership. (7)
If the idea of locking your pups outside our bedroom makes you cringe, Laura Purdy, M.D., MBA, and board-certified family medicine physician, says setting boundaries is the best workaround for everyone. If your pet lays sideways and roams all over the bed, that’s when you’re most likely to wake up.” To manage this and protect your sleep, Purdy says pet owners should “Carve out a spot on the bed that is their zone — this typically is at the foot of the bed.”
And consistency is key here; once those boundaries have been identified, pet parents need to enforce them for as long as it takes. Ideally, your pet should automatically go to their spot on the bed and remain there until morning.
And If Those Don’t Work….
If you’ve tried any or all of the suggestions above and you’re still not getting a good night’s sleep, Gradisar says it’s okay to sleep apart occasionally. Most couples and families dare not utter the phrase “sleep divorce” due to the stigma and hushed tones that often accompany it, but Gradisar says couples and parents shouldn’t be ashamed to sleep in a separate bed. He clarifies, “It doesn’t have to be frequent, but even a night or two (especially during a busy week) to yourself can make all the difference. Ultimately, it’s all about getting quality rest to be at your best when you’re together.
Bedroom Design Ideas For Kids That Actually Promote Sleep
How to Divide Up a Bedroom to Make It More Share-able
The 4 Most Creative Sleep Divorce Situations We’ve Ever Seen
Healthy Holiday Sleep — How to Get Good Sleep During the Season
Sources
1. Abbasi, A., Gupta, S. S., Sabharwal, N., Meghrajani, V., Sharma, S., Kamholz, S., & Kupfer, Y. (2021). A comprehensive review of obstructive sleep apnea. Sleep science (Sao Paulo, Brazil), 14(2), 142–154. https://doi.org/10.5935/1984-0063.20200056
2. Cleveland Clinic. (2024, April 30). What’s the best temperature for sleep? https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-the-ideal-sleeping-temperature-for-my-bedroom
3. Alzhrani, A. M., Aboalshamat, K. T., Badawoud, A. M., Abdouh, I. M., Badri, H. M., Quronfulah, B. S., Mahmoud, M. A., & Rajeh, M. T. (2023). The association between smartphone use and sleep quality, psychological distress, and loneliness among health care students and workers in Saudi Arabia. PloS one, 18(1), e0280681. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0280681
4. Elsheikh, A.A., Elsharkawy, S.A. & Ahmed, D.S. Impact of smartphone use at bedtime on sleep quality and academic activities among medical students at Al -Azhar University at Cairo. J Public Health (Berl.) 32, 2091–2100 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10389-023-01964-8
5. Ahn, Y.M., Yang, Km., Ha, H.I. et al. Cultural variation in factors associated with sudden infant death during sleep. BMC Pediatr 21, 443 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12887-021-02894-8
6. National Institutes of Health. (2018. February). The Power of Pets https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2018/02/power-pets
7. Chin, B.N., Singh, T. & Carothers, A.S. Co-sleeping with pets, stress, and sleep in a nationally-representative sample of United States adults. Sci Rep 14, 5577 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-56055-9
Allen, Christopher. Author Interview. October 25, 2024.
Carroll, Annika. Author Interview. October 25, 2024.
Gradisar, Michael. Author Interview. October 23, 2024.
Purdy, Laura. Author Interview. October 25, 2024.
